LotR: Gone Rum
by Tom Bombadilo
Summary: Basically, it's a collection of nutso stories concerning everyone's favorite people from Lord of the Rings.
1. Never Prank an Elf!

**Lord of the Rings: Gone Rum—Never Prank an Elf!**

"He, he, he!" giggled Aragorn, covering his mouth with a hand. "This is going to be great!" He peeked out from behind the tree and made sure Legolas was still in position. "This will scare the feathers off that sissy, pretty-boy elf!"

He lowered his voice to a whisper, so the sleeping elf wouldn't be disturbed from his rest…yet.

"He needs his beauty sleep," giggled the ranger.

"No, he doesn't," said Gimli, coming up behind him. "He is too pretty now. He's stealing all of my fans!"

"Oh, boo-hoo," insulted Aragorn. "You're far too ugly to have fans anyway, _Gimli_!"

"Ah!" exclaimed Gimli. "How dare you, Aragorn! I do have fans!"

"Yeah," laughed Aragorn, "your _mommy_!"

"Don't talk about my mommy that way, daddy's girl! Now, you shall pay!"

"Oh, really!" said Aragorn mockingly. "And just how do you plan to accomplish this?"

"Well, I…" began Gimli. "I guess I…"

Aragorn leaned against the tree, his arms crossed, waiting patiently.

"Uh…," continued Gimli. "Um…ah, I know!" He sprinted forward.

"AHHHHH!" he cried, attacking Aragorn dwarfishly.

"Ouch!" said Aragorn. "That was not so courteous."

Gimli turned to leave, well pleased.

"Come back here!" growled Aragorn. "I'll bite your legs off!" Aragorn crawled after Gimli, snarling and snapping at his heels like a warg fighting over a piece of meat.

"Ah, help," screamed Gimli. "Aragorn's gone mad! Run for your lives! AHHHHH!"

"Grrrr…. Can't an elf get any sleep around here!" Legolas yelled from his tent.

"You see Aragorn," said Gimli. "Look what you have done! You woke up the elf! You had better hope he doesn't discover the—"

A blood-curdling scream, followed by a ground-shaking explosion, knocked the man and dwarf to the earth.

"Oops," whispered Gimli, ever so quietly. "I think he did."

They immediately heard footsteps approaching them from behind and turned, seeing a frightful sight.

"You'll pay for this!" screeched Legolas. "You just wait!"

"Me!" asked Aragorn in feigned disbelief. "What did I do?"

"Oh, nothing," snapped Legolas. "Only dyed my hair green while I was sleeping! Only installed a time bomb in my tent that would go off the next time I looked in the mirror! Only stole all of my clothes and dragged them through the mud! Only toilet-papered the inside of my tent! Only swiped all my make-up! Only poured honey all over the floor so when I woke up I would step in it! Only drew dark circles around my eyes with eyeliner! That's all."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah! Try to implicate me in this scheme, will ya?" said Aragorn walking away, his hands over his ears. "Well, I'm not listening! Yada, yada, yada, blah, blah, blah!"

He felt an arrow in his rear.

"Dagnabbit!" said Aragorn. "I almost got away with it, too!"

**Finis **


	2. Aragorn's Bath Day

**Lord of the Rings: Gone Rum—Aragorn's Bath Day **

"Eee, hee!" shrieked Aragorn girlishly, prancing about like an overpaid government worker in Arwen's pink tutu.

Legolas was in hot pursuit and gaining fast on the unhinged man. Aragorn scrambled through a cornfield and ran under the deck of an old log cabin. Suddenly, he smelled a rat.

"P.U.!" said Aragorn, holding his nose as he backed out from under the deck. Legolas was waiting patiently and caught him by the scruff of his neck and the back of his tutu.

"Give me back Arwen's tutu!" he panted angrily. "Or else…"

"Or else what?" asked Aragorn in mockery.

"Or else I'll stick you so full of arrows you'll make a pincushion look bad!" answered Legolas, unfeelingly.

"Eeek!" said Aragorn. "I felt a rain drop. Hurry, run for your life!"

The others heard Aragorn shrieking and ran to see what the commotion was. Aragorn streaked over the hill, waving his arms frantically.

"Why does Éowyn like him?" asked Théoden in wonder. "He is such a sissy!"

"Yeah," said Elrond. "Same with Arwen. We should play a nasty, cruel trick on him."

"But what?" asked Gimli.

"I know!" said Legolas. They schemed for hours until the next morning came, when they could put their evil, evil, plan into effect.

————————————

"AHHHH!" screamed Aragorn. "My hair! Where's my hair!"

"In here," said Gimli, pointing to his mouth. "And boy was it tasty!"

"Eeeeee!" shrieked Aragorn. "Daddy! Where's my daddy?"

"I'm right here!" said Elrond. "I told Gimli to do it."

"Eeyaaahhh!" screamed the smelly man. "You're all against me!"

"Yep," said Legolas, coming into the tent. "That's right. By the way, you have something on your face. It looks like…a spider! Spider! Yeee! I hate spiders! Get away, get away!"

"Ah, shut up!" said Arwen. "I'm sick and tired of smelling Aragorn. Let's give him a bath!"

"A B-B-BATH!" Aragorn squeaked. "You're not serious! I'll melt!"

"Well," said Arwen, "you're _still_ taking a bath."

"Get away! AHHHHH!" shrieked Aragorn, running out the door.

"After him!" ordered Arwen and Elrond at the same time. The entire Rohirrim and Elvish armies raced after him down the stairs.

"He is such a girly-girl," said Arwen. "I love—"

"Spider! Yeeee!" screamed Legolas. "Help! I need help! Save me!"

Meanwhile, the armies were still after Aragorn, who was running for his life.

"AHHH!" he shrieked as he tripped and rolled down the rest of the stairs and stood up, preparing to run for it.

"Come back here!" called Arwen. "Or I won't marry you!"

He stopped dead in his tracks.

"Thank-you," said Arwen. Turning to the elvish soldiers around her, she said, "You know what to do." They nodded and stepped forward immediately.

Aragorn's eyes widened with fear. "Daddy!"

The guards grabbed him and dragged him away.

"All right," said Erestor, "into the showers with him." Away they took him to the camp bathroom.

"No, please," begged Aragorn once they were inside. "I'm too young to die!"

They paid no attention to him but simply peeled off his crusty clothes and tossed him in the shower.

"Yow!" cried Aragorn. "Cold! I'm melting!"

"I cannot _believe_ you are in love with him," said Elrond. "He is such a freak!"

"I know," agreed Arwen. "I love him."

"Gimli," said Elrond, turning to the dwarf, "I demand you either spit the hair out or swallow it. I am becoming wearied of hearing your endless chewing!"

"Poo—" Gimli spat. "There, you can have it. It was starting to taste like doo-doo anyway."

After the guards did a full inspection to make sure Aragorn was _really_ clean, they released him and he came sprinting out of the bathroom. Seeing his hair lying in a spit-covered pile on the ground, he picked it up and plopped it back onto his head.

**Finis **


	3. Merry and Gamling's Evil Trick

**Lord of the Rings: Gone Rum—Merry & Gamling's Evil Trick**

"Oh, Arwen, Arwen. I love you. Kiss me!" Aragorn mumbled in his sleep.

Gamling was listening outside of Aragorn's tent and could hear him talking. "He, he, he—" chuckled Gamling. "Merry, he-he, we should play a trick on him."

"We should," said Merry. "Aragorn is such a daddy's girl."

"I know," said Gamling. "We should scare him somehow."

"Yes," agreed Merry. "But, how? Aragorn is stupid, but he does not scare that easily."

"Oh," said Gamling. "I've got an idea that would scare the socks off that smelly sissy!"

He and Merry whispered quietly together for a few moments before coming to an agreement.

"Great," said Merry. "We'll do it tomorrow!"

The next night: Aragorn strode wearily to his tent after a tiring game of poker with Legolas. The elf had smoked him so badly that Aragorn had lost his boots, his sword, his bow and arrows, and the rest of his pipe-weed in the last game. Aragorn knew that Legolas didn't smoke and that he would probably sell the pipe-weed to Gimli and make a mint. He stomped angrily to his tent, threw open the door, and went inside. His eyes immediately fell on a tall hooded figure standing in the corner. The figure turned around and Aragorn saw the horridly dreadful visage of the King of the Dead. A greenish glow was about his face, and with a quivering, chill voice, he spoke. "Who enters my domain?"

Aragorn shrieked louder than a Nazgûl flying around in circles on an out-of-control fell beast, and his eyes grew as big as doughnuts. He hopped up and down, waving his arms, running wildly about the tent, screaming: "The King of the Dead! The King of the Dead!" This went on for several hours until Aragorn finally fainted and fell face-first in the dirt on the tent floor. Uproarious laughter followed as the alleged "King of the Dead" strolled out of the tent. Merry tore off his glow-in-the-dark face mask and climbed down off Gamling's shoulders. Once they had removed all their sinister get-up, they scampered back to their own tents, laughing hysterically.

**Finis **


	4. Elves Always Win

**Lord of the Rings: Gone Rum—Elves Always Win **

"Oh, I'm so pretty. Look at beautiful hair and ears. Oh, I'm so perfect. Blah, blah, blah," mocked Gimli.

"What are you _doing_?" asked Legolas in astonishment, entering the tent at that moment. "Why are you using my stuff? I told you never to touch my things! Now give me my brush, my clothes, my hair ties, my bow and arrows, my lotion, my hair spray, my shoes, my blackhead strips, my nail file, my fingernail clippers, my lip balm, and my swords!"

After Gimli handed over all of Legolas' items, Legolas snatched the dwarf and lobbed him out of the tent.

"AHHHHH!" shrieked Gimli, falling headfirst into Aragorn.

"Hey, watch it!" growled Aragorn, slugging the dwarf in the nose.

"Oooooo!" said Gimli angrily. "You have just made a serious mistake, my friend." He pulled off his mud-caked boot and whacked Aragorn between the eyes.

"Doi!" said Aragorn, crumpling to the ground, unconscious.

"There," grunted Gimli, "let that teach you to mess with the dwarf!" He stomped away, well pleased with his own brute strength.

Legolas strode out of the tent. Seeing what had happened, he laughed his head off and ran for his life. He soon bumped into Gamling, who was drinking and dancing with Merry.

"Hey," said Legolas curiously, "what are you two up to?"

"Merry is teaching me a song," answered Gamling.

"Cool," said Legolas. "Will you teach me, too?"

"Sure," said Merry enthusiastically. "It starts out like this: 'We rock forever, we stop whenever, we die whenever, we live forever. It's a phenomenon, it can't be stopped now.' "

Legolas, Gamling, and Merry danced for a few more hours, much to the amusement of the entire camp, until it was night, and then went to bed.

The next morning, something very peculiar took place. A small green squirrel started juggling pins and then begged for money.

Legolas, Gimli, Gamling, and Merry soundly refused, saying they donated no money to bums or sideshow freaks. The squirrel chattered angrily to himself, pegged them with acorns, and scampered off into the woods.

"Whew," sighed Legolas. "Glad he's gone. Clowns scare me. Did I ever tell you about the time I…? Oh, do listen to this, this is frightfully funny!"

"Oh, shut up!" said Gimli. "Not another story about the time you joined a circus and were almost eaten by clowns."

"At least I have talent!" Legolas shot back. "Unlike some people I know." He turned an insinuating glance on the dwarf.

"Oh, ho, ho," laughed Gimli. "Talent? Ho, ho, talent! Talent to do what? Strut around showing everyone how beautiful you are, pretty-boy?"

"Grrrr…," growled Legolas. "I was the tightrope walker. I'd like to see you try that!"

"Sure I will," said Gimli. "How hard can it be? Even _you_ can do it!"

Legolas pretended not to hear him.

The next day: Legolas set up a rope over the two cliffs of the Dimholt road. After he had finished, he went to find Gimli.

"Gimli! Gimli!" he yelled through his bullhorn.

"What?" asked Gimli, a bit annoyed.

"I thought you were going to walk the tightrope today," said the elf with a sly smile.

"Oh, I…I am. I can be a tightrope walker if you can," said Gimli, puffing out his chest to hide his anxiety. "Let us be off."

Legolas led him up the cliffs to the rope.

"There it is," pointed the elf. "Now to see if the overweight dwarf can pull this one off."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," said Gimli, attempting to hide his fear. He turned away from Legolas and stepped onto the thin rope. He seemed to be fine for approximately 1.2 steps. Unfortunately for the dwarf, the rope could not support his weight. With a deafening tweak, the rope snapped, sending Gimli flying for the earth below.

"Eeyaaahhh!" he shrieked, as he fell. Fortunately for him, luck was on his side. He was able to grasp the rope even as he fell and swing into the side of the cliff.

Legolas giggled and strode away.

"I'll get him for this someday," growled Gimli.

**Finis **


	5. Of Gimli and Gambling

**Lord of the Rings: Gone Rum—Of Gimli & Gambling**

"AHHHHH!" shrieked Gimli. "It's hideous!"

"I know," laughed Legolas. "Isn't it great?"

"No," answered Gimli. "I never want to see it again for the rest of my life!" Screaming like a howler monkey, he threw down the mirror and raced pell-mell out of the room.

"Sheesh," said the elf. "I didn't know Gimli was such a sissy. You'd think that he would have seen his own reflection before!"

At that moment, a teensy-weensy spider crawled on to Legolas' shoe. "YEEEEEE!" shrieked Legolas." Get it off me, get it off me! AHHHHH!" He ran around the room screaming like a crazy lunatic.

Aragorn looked at him and busted out laughing.

"What are you laughing at, Doi?" asked Legolas indignantly.

"You," giggled Aragorn, pointing. "You look retarded!" That was, unfortunately for Aragorn, the last straw.

"No one calls me retarded!" Legolas screamed, hurling Gimli's ax at the smelly man. It sheared Aragorn's mohawk off, flew into the wall, and was left vibrating.

"AHHHHH!" shrieked Aragorn. "My hair! Look what you've done to my hair! Waaaaaaa!"

Aragorn scrambled out the door to find his daddy. Legolas sneered after the fleeing man and turned to Sam.

"Do you want to play cards?" he asked, pulling a deck of cards out of his pocket.

"All right," said Sam. "Let's play solitaire."

"No, even better," said Legolas. "Let's play poker!"

"Poker?" said Frodo, curiously. "You're a gambling man—I mean, elf?"

"You better believe it," answered Legolas.

"All right," sighed Sam, "let's play poker." Legolas shuffled the deck beautifully and dealt the cards.

"Oh…" groaned Sam as he looked at his hand ruefully.

"Ooooo…" said Frodo with glee as he picked up and arranged his cards.

"This blows!" exclaimed Legolas. "That's what I call a _losing_ hand. So, who's betting first?"

"I will," said Frodo confidently, laying a loathsome looking stone on the table. "I'll bet my lucky rock."

"Ewww," said Legolas. "Disgusting! Well," he sighed. "I suppose I'll bet my comb." He placed an ornate, golden comb on the table.

All eyes turned to Sam. He shrugged.

"I guess I'll have to bet poor Bill, the pony."

"Are you sure about that?" asked Legolas as he laid his cards down. It was two kings and two queens.

Sam smiled.

"Oh, yeah!" he laid his cards down. It was four aces. He won.

"No!" said Legolas in astonishment. "My brush!"

"Oh," said Sam thoughtfully, "you can keep your brush. All I wanted was Mr. Frodo's lucky rock."

**Finis**


	6. Théoden's Bad Day

**Lord of the Rings: Gone Rum—Théoden's Bad Day **

_Saraman _

Legolas knew that the Southrons were so retarded it was funny. They would ride proudly around on their oliphaunts that resembled radiated burritos and then fall off, they were so clumsy and inept. He laughed for an hour as Aragorn came in the tent like an overpaid clown, dancing and glomping and hopping around in Gimli's oversized boots.

"Aha!" said Aragorn. "I see you in there! Come out." He ripped the green boot off his foot and stared inside the great cavernous mouth yawning darkly before him.

"Ah!" he cried. "The foot!" He threw the boot down and raced out of the tent. Gimli was furious. His face turned a thousand shades of red and his eyes went crazy.

"Ar, ha, ha, ha!" he cried, scrambling out of the tent after Aragorn. Legolas was left standing there alone, a smile across his face.

"They are far stupider than Southrons," he decided, laughing quietly to himself. He went back to making his bed. After he tossed the plaid-covered pillow up into the air several times, he hurled it onto the bed with the force of a meteor behind it. It left a crater fifty-thousand feet deep in the bed and old feathers and fluff came flying out all over the room.

"Ah, ah, ah…CHOOOOO!" sneezed Legolas, taking out the east wall of the tent. King Théoden peeked in through the hole.

"Uh, are you OK in there?" he asked, concern written on his face.

"I'm B-E-A-utiful," answered Legolas, wafting the foul, dirty, dusty, contemptibly pitiful, feathers outside the tent with his hands. Legolas thought he could hear someone shrieking outside and resolved that Gimli must have caught Aragorn and given him a swirly in the camp john.

"Yep," he said, noting the telltale flushing sound, "I was right."

At length, Legolas decided his bed was totaled.

"I'll get a new one," he sighed decisively to himself. "I know just the place!" He clambered out of the tent. Spotting Théoden King eating bits of feathers that had fallen to the mud-encrusted earth, he bent down and said, "Ah, your highness. I come on a matter of urgent business. You see, my bed is busted. I need a new one. Perhaps you would donate yours?" A look of utter shock and terror as if the world had ended at that very moment flashed into Théoden's face, and he lost all color in his body. Paralyzed with the horror, he knelt stock-still near the feather-covered ground.

"Uh, Théoden," said Legolas, waving a hand in front of the king's face. "Hello…uh, may I recommend seeing a doctor? Oh, well, he probably is taking a little nap because of not getting enough sleep last night at the party. He may need a little _help_ waking up."

He rose to his feet and looked about.

"Aragorn! Aragorn?" he called into the bullhorn that he always carried at his side. "Aragorn of the Dunedain, please report to the back of your tent."

Presently, Aragorn arrived, his hair soaking wet with toilet paper hanging off one ear. Gimli trailed close behind.

"That's how we Dwarves deal with boot-snatching minions!" said the dwarf.

"You called, Your Highness?" Aragorn sneered, shaking the water off himself like a wet dog.

"Ugh!" said Legolas, preferring to back away from the rather unpleasant odor emanating from the man.

"Don't get smart with me! I'll tell on you. I'll tell Elrond, I will. I'll tell your _daddy_!"

Aragorn dropped to his knees in shock, horror etched across his face. He reached for one of the elf's legs and wrapped his arms around it like a man begging for his life.

"Please," he begged. "Oh, please, please don't tell my daddy. I'll do anything, anything, I swear. I'm sorry. I'll be your slave for life! Just don't tell him anything! He'll make me clean latrines and showers in Rivendell like he did the day I dyed his hair pink while he was sleeping! Please, Legolas, I'll do anything!" Legolas smiled, expressing his satisfaction at pressing the right button. It was a low blow he knew but he didn't care.

"All right, all right," he said, shaking himself free of the groveling man. "I won't tell him anything if you will do but one _simple_ task for me."

Aragorn looked up, hopefully. "You name it, I'll do it.

"Good," continued Legolas. "Then we shouldn't have any problems. As you know, you are well known for the awful scent that is legendary for following you around. Therefore, I have selected you for a special task. You are to breath in Théoden King's face. If that doesn't wake him, I don't know what will."

Aragorn nodded happily. "Right away, Your Excellency." He shot a quick glance behind him to see if Legolas was watching. He was. Aragorn crawled over to Théoden and worked up a vile, disgusting, breath from way down in the garbage dump that was the pit of his stomach. Legolas waited patiently for several years.

At length, Aragorn was ready. He released his horrible, terrifying Breath of Doom, as it was called by the peoples of Middle-earth. The thick, humid, rotten carrot/broccoli/coleslaw wind poured from his mouth straight into the frozen king's face. A grimace of absolute torture came to Théoden and he snapped awake, screaming at the top of his lungs, worse than the brownie girls at summer camp going down a forty-thousand foot high waterfall in a rickety canoe. Aragorn and Gimli leapt back, the noise of the shriek reverberating off the surrounding cliff walls and sending Legolas sprinting back inside his tent to hide in the hole under his destroyed bed.

After the shockwaves and echoes of screaming faded away, they came out slowly, one by one. Théoden had frightened himself so badly he had dived through his royal tent, creating a gaping hole in the canvas that resembled him in shape. He at last emerged from the tattered ruins of his tent and slinked back to where he had seen Legolas last. Ever afterward, he made it a point to keep Aragorn at least several miles distant from himself at all times.

"Hello, again," said Legolas pleasantly. "Glad to see you're up and about. Very glad to see you _moving_."

Théoden nodded, confused.

"Oh, hey," said Legolas as he remembered. "Have you had time to consider my request for a donation?" The same look of shock came to Théoden again and he said nothing for several minutes, but stood staring into space.

"Yoo-hoo," said Legolas. "About the bed. Oh, I see, you've already decided to give it to me. How generous! Isn't he generous?" The men who had just emerged from their tents at hearing the terrible yell nodded their heads.

"Thanks, Théoden," laughed Legolas, sprinting away from the terror-stricken king. "You're the best!" He raced into Théoden's tent, picked up the bed, and lobbed it forcefully into the air through the door of his own tent.

"Whoops," he said, ruefully. "Guess I'll have to borrow his door too."

**Finis **


	7. Denethor DeVille

**Lord of the Rings: Gone Rum—Denethor De Ville**

"Hey, my lord Denethor," said Pippin. "What are you doing?"

Denethor looked up, saw the hobbit, and continued what he was doing.

"Hello?" said Pip. "What are you doing?"

Finally, Denethor spoke. "Doing? Nothing. Nothing at all."

"Sure…," said Pippin. "And what sort of _nothing_ are you doing? It seems to me, someone hiding a large globe under his fur coat and periodically gazing at it could only mean they were up to something."

Denethor looked up, astonished. "How do you know what's under my robe?" he asked in utter disbelief.

"Lucky guess," said Pippin. "Besides, it glows really brightly. I can see it through your coat."

"AHHHHH!" exclaimed Denethor. "My secret is known! I never should have made you my slave—I mean _servant_, in the first place!"

"Well," began the hobbit, "as long as I already know, why don't you tell me what it is you've got there?"

"If you must know," said Denethor, annoyed. "It's a palantir."

"Eeeeeee!" shrieked Pippin. "A palantir! I've seen one before! Run for your life, my lord! Last time I messed with one of those, some real bad stuff happened. Run for it!"

"I most certainly will not!" stated Denethor angrily. "I am not going anywhere! You are free to go if you wish."

Pippin raced around the throne room several thousand times, screeching in terror, and then ran straight out the window and landed in Denethor's bunny house.

Slightly dazed, Pippin sat up and noticed where he was.

"The House of Bunnies!" he exclaimed happily. "Denethor told me never to come in here, but I'm already here so I might as well stay for a while." He climbed out of the bunny bed in which he had landed and ambled around the many bunny huts dotting the interior of the bunny house. Spotting a white bunny, Pippin ran to catch it for he had an inkling right then to feel some soft fur. He caught the fat rabbit and picked it up. Pippin recognized that particular bunny as Denethor Jr., the best rabbit that Denethor possessed, and the favorite of the steward. He stroked its soft fur and muttered a pretty tune to calm the struggling bunny down. Perhaps what Pippin and most of the Gondorian court didn't know was why Denethor raised bunnies. This deep, dark, secret was something never to be discussed.

As horrible as it seems, the steward planned to make a large fur coat out of the soft, fuzzy, bunnies, when they were fat enough.

Denethor Jr. being his favorite rabbit, he was going to make him into the furry coat collar. In other words, Denethor was an older version of Cruella De Ville!

This being so, every one of the rabbits on one occasion or another had tried to escape out of the fence. Only once did one succeed. An absent-minded guard accidentally left the gate open one night and a bunny named Kamikaze escaped. He hopped down the landing strip of Gondor and made a flying leap off the edge.

"Eeeeeeeeee!" the other bunnies heard and they knew at once what had happened. The guards all came running and shut the gates as quickly as you can say "pots and pans."

So far it had not happened again, thanks to the recent over-watchfulness of Denethor's many guards of the House of Bunnies. (And that's apparently where Gondor's armies were, to answer Gandalf's question.)

Pippin set the bunny down and ran out the gate, for all this rabbit petting was creating a huge appetite. As usual, being the aloof and absent-minded hobbit that he was, he left the gate open. While he sprinted back up to the throne room as quick as he could, the bunnies all escaped. Hopping down the lengthy landing strip of Gondor, they reached the edge and dove off.

"Eeeeeeeeee!" Pippin and Denethor heard coming from outside.

"What was that?" asked the Steward, unnerved.

"Oh," said Pippin, "probably just all of the bunnies making a suicide run."

"Oh no!" shrieked Denethor. "My coats!"

The bunnies all landed safely in a fountain and hopped as far away from Gondor as they could get, to the Shire. And they lived happily ever after. As for Denethor, he brooded over his lost coats for many a day.

"You idiot!" he cried. "You, you fool! Ah, after I was all set to get some nice coats!" He broke out sobbing.

"Ah, shut up," said Pippin.

**Finis **


	8. The Monkeys of Moria

**Lord of the Rings: Gone Rum—the Monkeys of Moria **

The Fellowship of the Ring was journeying through the Mines of Moria when suddenly the Monkeys of Moria confronted them.

"Eeeahooo!" shrieked a large-eyed monkey.

"Does anyone have a banana?" asked Aragorn.

"I do!" said Sam.

"Me too!" agreed Boromir.

"As do I!" said Legolas, searching through a pocket for the banana. "I never leave home without it!"

"Fool of a Fellowship!" admonished Gandalf. "This is not the time to eat!"

"Not for me, O sagacious one," protested Aragorn. "For the monkeys! We can throw them at them and maybe they'll go away."

The Fellowship lobbed the rather aged plantains at the apes. For several minutes, the monkeys simply stared. Then, without warning, the seven-foot tall apes, weighing in at approximately 2,500 pounds each, stepped forward, squashing the bananas underfoot.

"Oh, dear," sighed Aragorn. "That obviously did not work."

"WAAAAAH!" sobbed Legolas. "My poor banana! It was just an innocent bystander! The murderers!"

"I'll lure them away!" offered Gandalf.

"A diversion," wept Legolas, brushing away the tears.

Gandalf ran forward. "Look at the giant banana!" he said, transforming himself into massive banana. He hopped forward to within a few inches of the largest monkey. He turned around for a moment and whispered, "Run away."

The Fellowship took off sprinting. The monkeys gave chase, hooting and hollering as they came. The Fellowship ran in one direction and the giant banana hopped in another direction. The monkeys were uncertain of whom they should chase. They hesitated for a moment and then decided on chasing the banana.

"AHHHHHHHH!" shrieked the huge banana as it hopped quickly away, the monkeys in hot pursuit. They had nearly caught him, when Gandalf, who could not see where he was going, fell down a deep chasm. The monkeys were so stupid that they all jumped in after him.

Thus, the Fellowship of the Ring was saved from death by Gandalf the Gr—erm…Banana. That is what really happened. All that stuff about a Balrog…Gee, give me a break!

**Finis **


	9. Legolas' Contacts

**LotR: Gone Rum**—**Legolas' Contacts**

One day in the Dead Marshes, the Fellowship was duck hunting.

"Do you see anything?" asked Gimli.

"No," replied Legolas, shading his eyes with a hand.

"Well, that's easy to fix!" chided Gimli. "Your contact lenses fell into the swamp over there."

Legolas dived into the slimy, smelly, grotesque, green swamp.

(_5 minutes later)_

"Any minute now!" said Aragorn.

"Ah, I've got them!" shouted Legolas, springing up out of the swamp.

"What?" cried the others, taken aback, "That's a boot!"

"Huh?" said Legolas, staring at it.

All of a sudden, he felt something squirming in his pocket. He reached in and pulled out a handful of worms, which surprisingly looked like Wormtongue.

"Worms!" cried Legolas, "Why'd it have to be worms?" Then, Gimli and Gandalf came over and ate them. Sméagol's leg suddenly appeared out of nowhere and was floating in the air. Then, it grabbed the last worm and cursed at Gimli and Gandalf for eating the rest. After this, it vanished.

"Ok," said everyone. "THAT was…interesting." Then, Legolas, looking back at the camp, yelled to the hobbits: "Stop playing with the swords!"

"But, we aren't! We were playing tennis!" they replied.

Pippin grabbed a rock and struck it with the sword. The rock went flying through the air, smacking Gimli in the head.

"Ow!" said Gimli, falling into the swamp with a loud SPLASH! The Fellowship gathered around to see if anything could be done, but all they saw were some air bubbles where they thought Gimli had disappeared under the surface.

"Any minute now…any min—" said Aragorn once more.

"Would you stop saying that!" yelled Gandalf in a fury. "Somebody please dive in and save the miserable little dwarf!"  
No one moved. In a last attempt to save Gimli, Gandalf yelled: "Legolas, he had your contacts with him all the time!"

Legolas immediately dove in after him. A few minutes later, the elf emerged with Gimli in his arms. Legolas' wig had partially slipped off, revealing short, greasy brown hair.

"Give me my contacts!" demanded Legolas immediately, ragged breath tearing angrily from his throat. Gimli, who had a large swamp fish in his teeth, took an ample bite out of it and grasped it in his hand.

"I decided to catch myself some dinner while I was down there," he explained casually. "I only wish, to catch a fish, so juicy sweet!" Gimli bit down into the big, fat, slimy, smelly, fish. Then, Legolas grabbed him by the beard and swung him around, demanding: "Give me my contacts!"

"These contacts?" Merry inquired, holding up a pair of contacts. Legolas, distracted by the hobbit, let go of the dwarf, who went flying into the swamp…AGAIN!

BLUB…BLUB…BLUB

At that moment, Sméagol's leg appeared again with the other leg. They soon began charging towards the Fellowship angrily.

"Ahhhhhh!" shrieked Gandalf, who was now being trampled by one of the legs.

Merry took advantage of this to climb the only tree around for miles. The legs trampled everyone, except Merry, then ran to the base of the tree and began trying to climb it. When they found that they couldn't, they cursed irately again and vanished.

"Phew," said Merry. "That was a CLOSE one." Then, he fell out of the tree and into the swamp.

**Finis**


	10. Clean the Bathroom!

**Lord of the Rings: Gone Rum—Clean the Bathroom! **

"Oh are you?" said Aragorn skeptically, pulling the sword out of Legolas' pack. "And just what then is this?"

Legolas stared regretfully at the gleaming weapon. "Shut up, Aragorn," he yelled. "Don't ask me about it, ok? It's none of your business!" He brought his bow down with a splintering crack on Aragorn's head, grabbed the sword, and made off as quickly as his elven legs could carry him. He headed to Rivendell. "Oh you just wait, you foul-smelling coward! Wait until I tell your daddy! Mwahahaha! Think you're so smart, huh? We'll see, we'll see."

After several days of running, he reached Imladris, better known as Rivendell. Spotting Elrond standing on the veranda wearing his usual pair of shades, he ran through the gate, across the courtyard, and up the stairs onto the balcony.

"Oh, Master Elrond!" he whined, casting himself at a bewildered Elrond's feet. "Your son is behaving in a most disrespectful and unpleasant way! I suggest you discipline him now!"

Elrond looked around, confused. "Aragorn?" he finally said. "Aragorn is being naughty? Come Legolas, I've just the thing to teach him respect."

They walked for several hours, until they reached Aragorn's tent.

"Aragorn Doi Strider Elessar, get out here right now!" yelled Elrond.

Aragorn emerged from his tent, frightened.

"Yes, daddy?"

"Have you been a bad boy?" asked Elrond.

"No…not really," answered Aragorn, fearfully.

Elrond grabbed his ear and dragged him to the camp bathroom

"You will clean every inch of this bathroom with this toothbrush. Do you hear me, boy?"

"Yes, daddy," Aragorn said, looking at the ground.

"Good," said Elrond, handing Aragorn a teensy-weensy Spongebob toothbrush. "Oh, and after you're done cleaning the bathroom, you _will_ take a bath!"

"NOOOOOOOOOO! Not a bath! Anything but a bath!" whined Aragorn.

Elrond flashed him the _Mean Daddy _glance.

Aragorn gulped, "Yes, daddy."

Elrond turned and walked out the door.

Aragorn felt that his feet were wet. He looked down. "Ah!" he cried. The bathroom was submerged in water at least six inches deep.

"Daddy," Aragorn called out the door, "we need to call the plumber!" Elrond didn't hear him, and if he did, he ignored him.

"Oh, great!" sighed Aragorn wading through the sewer water. "Eww…disgusting!" He approached a filthy toilet encrusted in green and brown scum. He began scrubbing at the top of the toilet and worked his way down. After a few hours of strenuous cleaning, the toilet was sanitary. All at once, Aragorn noticed that the muck was rising. It was up to his knees now.

"Yipes!" shrieked Aragorn. Unfortunately, a massive wave of sewer water crashed down onto the newly cleaned toilet, covering it with a coat of slime.

"AHHHHH!" he screamed. Another giant wave threatened to break upon the toilet. "Back! Back, you monster!" yelled Aragorn grasping a disgusting toilet plunger. Shouting, he intercepted the wave and started plunging it with the plunger.

"Die you stupid, overgrown, green and brown scum, die!" Smacking the dirty water with the plunger for at least a half an hour, he soon forgot that what he was holding was a plunger and stabbed the water like a sword. Hitting the ground, the plunger was stuck, but with Aragorn's force, he got it to release. Unfortunately, it came flying up and smacked him in the nose. It hit so hard that he was knocked out cold and plunged into the scummy water. Elrond came to see what all the commotion was, when he saw his son-in-law unconscious in the water.

"Well," chuckled Elrond, "he killed two birds with one stone. He cleaned the toilets and got a bath."

**Finis **


	11. Ill News is an Ill Guest

**LotR: Gone Rum (Ill News is an Ill Guest!) **

"Ill news is an ill guest," sneered Grima Wormtongue, leering at the three strangely clad visitors with dark, heavily-lidded eyes. Gandalf confronted him about it at once.

"Be silent!" he barked. "Keep your forked tongue behind your teeth! I have not passed through fire and death to bandy wicked words with a witless worm!" He brandished his staff convincingly. Grima's eyes widened.

"His staff!" he cried angrily. "I told you to take the wizard's staff!" Instantly, Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli were rushed by a group of soldiers, intent on disarming Gandalf.

"We have no weapons!" cried Gimli. "What to do?" Legolas laughed evilly.

"Bwahahahahahahahahahaha! They _thought_ they took ALL of our weapons. But-" He pulled out a duo of razor sharp toothpicks. "-what they didn't find were these!" Laughing very smugly, he rushed forward and began poking off the attackers. He fought like mad…until one of them broke.

"NOOOOOOOO!" he yelled. "These are my favorite elvish toothpicks! How DARE they break! That sort of quality is unacceptable. This is high treason to the crown of Mirkwood." The assailants drew back, staring at Legolas in wonder. Gimli was squashing Grima.

"I would hold still if I were you," he said. "And if I were you…well, we won't go there." Legolas dropped the toothpicks.

"You know what they say," he sighed. "'When one plan fails there's another to replace it.' I'd say it's time for some Elf Kung Fu! Hiyah!" He did a forceful front hand spring towards the guards, knocking two over with a powerful kick. Then, he began doing karate chops, dropping three more guards easily. There was only one left. The man brandished his sword convincingly. Legolas thought a moment.

"Hm…" he said. "This is going to take some serious wit. Ah, I've got it!" He walked over to the guard and said:

"I need to ask you a few questions."

"Certainly," replied the guard. "Proceed." Legolas pulled a microphone out of his pocket and leaned forward as if to ask a question, then suddenly sprayed the guard in the face with the microphone, which was really a water pistol.

"Ahhhhhhhh!" yelled the guard, in a fury. "You're a jerk…jerk…jerk!" Then, he went and tried to sue Legolas for 1,000,000 gold coins. But, thinking quickly, Legolas heated up a copper coin until it glowed, then branded the guard on the forehead, giving him amnesia. Shocked, every guard in the Golden Hall began charging towards them angrily.

Aragorn felt it time for desperate measures, so he pulled out a spray can and distributed the contents into the air. A large wave of green, hazy laughing gas hit everyone in the room, throwing them to the ground. They all began laughing like stinky ol' men and rolling on the floor like worms.

Wormtongue, who had eluded Gimli once the laughing gas hit, started neighing and prancing around on all floors like a pretty pink or purple pony.

"AHHHH!" yelled Gimli. "They have all gone mad!" Without warning, all of the guards began hitting each other over the head with hammers and then crying like little babies. After this was over, and much to the amusement of Gandalf, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli, the guards started painting their fingernails with white-out and markers. The white-out spilled on Hama's foot. He was so mad, he ran out and married Eowyn. Then Faramir got mad and stole Arwen, and then Aragorn got mad and stole Galadriel, and then Celeborn got mad and stole Rosie Cotton, and then Sam got mad and tried to blow up Middle-earth with cruise missiles, but was stopped by security.

Meanwhile, back in Rohan:

"Has everyone gone MAD!" yelled Gandalf. He raised his staff high above his head, and then slammed it to the ground. A large explosion transformed everyone into Marshwiggles. Gandalf then realized that he had not only turned the guards into Marshwiggles, but the townspeople and the Fellowship too. He couldn't tell them apart.

Oh, how delightful!" laughed Gandalf. He was quite pleased with his cunning idea. Two Marshwiggles came and addressed him:

"Good-day, Gandalf! Though when we say 'good' we don't mean it can't turn to rain."

"My name is Theóglum!" said one. "Though you're sure to forget it. Not to worry. I can always tell you again."

"And I am Araglum," said the other, "I live in Ettinsmoor in a Wigwam…if it hasn't been destroyed by floods or fire…or dragons…or bombed by savage owls…or hit by a meteor…or sunk into the ocean, I shouldn't wonder!"

Gandalf blinked in annoyance.

"And I am Gimglum, king of the rock, and there's nothing you girls can do about it!" Gandalf blinked again, and then turned Gimglum into a puddle.

"Gimglum, I officially dub thee Puddleglum!" laughed the wizard. After a few more hours of amusement, Gandalf decided that he had had quite enough of the Marshwiggles' pessimism. So he changed them back.

That night, Aragorn was having a horrible dream. He was running down a dirt road and kept hearing an orc yelling in a stinky voice: "Defend the towers!" Suddenly, he woke up with a start, drawing his Elven dagger.

"Sir?" said a guard.

"What?" replied Aragorn.

"We're under attack! Defend the towers!"

"AHHHHH!" shrieked Aragorn, throwing the dagger at the guard. It whizzed over his head, giving him a monk-do.

"That's okay," said the guard. "It was only a wig anyway." He sharply pulled it off and produced a spare out of his pocket.

At that moment, Merry walked in and saw the guard without his wig on.

"It's…it's…Locke! AHHHHHHH!" He turned around and fled as fast as his legs could carry him.

"What? What did he say? Did he call me a frog? I'm not a frog!" said the guard indignantly.

Just then, Aragorn crawled down into his sleeping bag and rolled off the bed. He then proceeded to worm his way across the floor, towards the guard.

"He, he! Evil worm!" Aragorn cackled crazily. He then began chasing the guard like a deranged worm. He chased him all the way to Gondor, where he wormed into Denethor.

The steward looked VERY perturbed. He asked the guard who was in the sleeping bag.

"Aragorn of the Dunedain," he replied.

"Oh, in that case…" said Denethor, almost looking relieved. He pulled out a gas can and some matches, and then skillfully lit Aragorn on fire.

"Ooo…pretty!" said Denethor, who just happened to be a pyromaniac. Then, Aragorn reared up like a horse, knocking Denethor face first into a trash can. Aragorn ripped off the flaming sleeping bag and threw it on top of the steward. Denethor got up in flames and dashed away. Aragorn then noticed a pillow at his side. He put it over his head and began crawling on the ground like Sméagol.

Without prior notice, Elrond appeared in front of him.

"And just WHAT do you think you are doing?" he asked reprovingly, tapping his foot.

"Well…" thought Aragorn. "I've been to the Island Where Dreams Come True! Not Dreams or wishes…NIGHTMARES!"

(Insert loud horror music)

"What? Are you insane?"

"No. I'll tell you what happened. As soon as I arrived, I remembered a nightmare I had had once. Suddenly, I was being swarmed by Orcs yelling: 'Defend the towers!' It was horrible!"

"That is…very…interesting," commented Elrond, rolling his eyes. "But, if you'll excuse me, there's a steward with a flaming trash can on his head running around over there and I think he may need some help."

**Finis**


	12. Random Lord of the Rings

**LotR: Gone Rum—"Random Lord of the Rings" **

One dark, cloudy day, Boromir decided to take a canoe ride down the Anduin River. Legolas, who was in another canoe opposite him, accompanied him. They thought they should race to see who would get to cook in the prestigious kitchens of Minas Tirith.

The air was bursting with wonderful, sweet smells as Legolas entered the kitchen and began baking a 14-layer cake for Gimli's birthday party. Unbeknownst to him, Aragorn was peeking deviously in the window, and a cunning plan was forming in his mind.

"I've got it!" he cried, taking off his thinking cap. "We shall go to Mirkwood and try to find Legolas so we can see if he would like to talk with that old man over there. It's not every day that one sees someone of his venerability these days in Rohan…not since**—**" He trailed off and his eyes deepened wistfully.

"What beauty!" said Merry as he looked upon this sight. "I have never seen anything like this! Superb! Absolutely delightful!"

"'Tis a wondrous feat, to be sure," agreed Boromir, "though Faramir, that cunning little brother of mine, has done far better."

"Are you certain?" asked Gandalf skeptically, leaning slightly on the grey-smudged wall of Osgiliath. "I've seen his skill, and heartily disagree, master Boromir!"

Then, Gandalf approached Denethor and said:

"You prodigious brute! I want to go to the gargantuan corn field!"

Merry and Pippin hurriedly darted inside and hid behind the profuse of verdant green corn stalks and leaves. "Did we lose him? I think we lost him."

Just then, Frodo came sprinting forward yelling:

"No! You must not go that way! You must go to Rohan and meet up with Éomer and Faramir. They will lead you to your path to Isengard!" The first thing they discerned was an evil and stupid voice yelling:

"Defend the towers!" Then, Gandalf got into his bubble thingamabob and zapped the orc senseless.

"You're possessed, Sméagol!" cried Frodo. "I've never seen you so ugly!" Sméagol frowned, hissed at Frodo, and got plastic surgery.

**Finis **


	13. Of Bonfires and Banana Peels

**Lord of the Rings: Gone Rum—of Bonfires and Banana Peels**

_Froggy, Rilian, & Sulky; 2006 _

One day, Legolas decided to visit Rivendell. When he arrived, however, he realized that there was absolutely nothing to do. All Elrond wanted to do was read dull, dog-eared tomes about the history of Numenór, and all Arwen wanted to do was lounge around writing mushy love letters to Aragorn. Therefore, Legolas built a huge bonfire in the middle of Elrond's bedroom and did an Indian war dance around said bonfire.

"What are you doing, Legolas?" asked Glorfindel, as he entered the room.

Legolas stopped dancing and turned to regard him. "My name not Legolas, it Tecumseh, and I chief!" he replied. "You in chief's war-lodge!"

"No, in fact," said Elrond, entering at that moment, "your name is Numbskull. And you have lit a fire in my bedroom for the _last_ time!"

He roared savagely, took up a chair, and broke it over the deranged elf's head.

"Ow!" Legolas said, as he slumped to the ground. Glorfindel and Erestor looked on in amusement as Lindir roasted a marshmallow in the flames (whilst he strummed his harp with the other hand, of course). Then, Elrond called for the firefighters to come extinguish the blaze. They did, due to Elrond's uncommon talent for always getting his way.

A few days later, Legolas was still in the infirmary, but was already plotting revenge.

"Let's see. All I need is a little help. Aha! I'll just call—no, he's too stupid. He'd ruin everything. _Tar-Menel,_ why don't I have any smart friends? Then again, he is very gullible. Maybe it would pay off. Very well. Here goes nothing."

Legolas sent a finely written letter to Aragorn, which arrived the next day due to prodding on the part of the postmaster, who "accidentally" accepted an inducement.

Aragorn invited Gimli, who invited Frodo, who invited Sam, Merry, and Pippin, who in turn invited Gandalf, who invited Boromir. In the end, the entire Fellowship showed up at the gates of Rivendell. Legolas greeted them cordially, apprising them of his wicked scheme.

Later that day:

Elrond was strolling down the hall, toward the kitchens, when he was set upon by ruffians. Actually, they weren't ruffians, but that's the first thing Elrond thought when he saw scraggly Aragorn charging down the hall, laden with banana peels, four Hobbits in tow, loaded with much the same wares. They complacently smeared Elrond's face with banana peels, ignoring his creative shouts that ranged from, "Cease and desist," to "Out, you vile toads! Back to your pits!" They then smeared his fastidious hair with peels.

After they wove peels into Glorfindel's hair in a lattice-work design, they set a trap for Lindir, piling banana peels in the doorway of his room. Lindir pranced in, singing and strumming his harp—until he slipped out of the room on a moving landslide of peels that destroyed Rivendell, all the while being pelted with excess banana peels.

"Ha-ha!" Legolas cackled evilly, as he watched everyone in Rivendell simultaneously slipping on peels. "This was so much fun, I think we should try it in Gondor!"

Therefore, they went to Gondor, Minas Tirith to be exact. First, Gimli and Aragorn sprayed Denethor off the landing strip of Gondor with a hose of slimy banana water, soiling his luxurious rabbit fur coat.

"Argg…this is going to cost me big…," mumbled Denethor, as he flew—excuse me—"fell with style" into a conveniently waiting pile of pulverized bananas.

Subsequent to this rather joyous sight, the Fellowship attacked a very surprised Faramir, crowning him "Banana King" with a smashed peel. They then shoved a banana in his mouth.

"Have two bananas!" said Gimli, holding up three fingers.

"You know, there are three kinds of people in this world: those who can count, and those who can't," Aragorn pronounced jovially.

Just then, a furious Elrond and Lindir dumped a gargantuan bucket of pureed bananas on the Fellowship and Faramir.

"AHHHHHHHHH!" shrieked Legolas, one of the few who were actually swimming their way out. Most everyone else was _eating _their way out.

Sam, Pippin, and Gimli made short work of the bananas. Soon, there was only one left.

"It's mine!" shouted Sam.

"No, it's mine!" growled Gimli.

They got into a heated boxing match, and Sam emerged victorious, clocking Gimli in the face with his frying pan. When he turned around to claim his belated prize, however, he found that Pippin had nonchalantly eaten it while he and Gimli were militarily engaged elsewhere.

Legolas and the others took a good hint and left early. Sam, unfortunately, was well-known for blowing up the world with cruise missiles whenever he was angry. Luckily, however, this time he _was_ stopped by Middle-earth Peace Corps officials.

"No blowing up the world without a permit!" they scolded him.

**Finis**


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